Thursday, February 20, 2014

Useless Dates

You ever have something or someone happen in your life that no matter how many years or decades go by, you can't forget the date?  I'm talking dates that should be kicked out of the memory bank because they don't serve a purpose anymore.

August 27th:  The birthday of my first gay crush of whom I haven't seen since 6th grade.  I was busted at his house by my mom after school when I'd ride by on my Duran Duran hooptie bike.  She saw me out on his stoop, grabbed the bike and chucked it in the trunk and said "you are SOOOOOOOOOO grounded!"  If she only knew, I was totally safe.  No chance of tomfoolery there.  Haven't seen him in 25+ years.

July 28th:  Birthday of my third gay crush.  (Are we sensing a pattern?)  A model, self centered, a manipulator, naive, broken so of course I wanted to fix him, horrible singer, heart breaker, still owes me the cassette tape of me and my friend's best soap opera that I let him borrow in 1989 on his way out of town.  Mom liked him but knew she wanted more for me than someone who always seemed like they were looking for something better and not in a good way.  I'd love to forget this birthday, it brings up the most mixed emotions in me since he was my second real heartbreak far too close to my first.  Haven't seen him in over 20 years.

The day before yesterday was one of those dates too...February 19th.  My first gynecologist visit 20 years ago.

(I heard that collective groan)

I was 17 and I met some dude I wanted to let into the secret garden.  Oh hey, he happens to be napping to my right as I type!  Yeah, you know what that means...the Mr and I are disease free because we've only bumped uglies with each other.  I'll let you either sigh in romantic awe or recoil in horror at our lack of sampling the flesh buffet of sin that life has to offer.  I remember the day I told my mom I thought it was time to go to the gynie.  She was a teen mom and made me promise that when that time came that she wanted to get me on the pill.  Of course she wouldn't be mad and never regretted me, blah blah blah but yeah, no poppin' out a bebe in high school.  (Little did she know, this womb is closed.)  I told her over dinner in public so she couldn't yell at me.  She looked at her plate, nodded her head and we ate in awkwardness for a few minutes then moved on to other topics.  I would go to her gynie who was around when fire was discovered.  I'm pretty sure he and cavemen rode dinosaurs together.

This was going to be the first dude to see me nekkid so I power washed the punani, powdered, probably squirt some perfume on my thighs and tried to empty my bladder as much as possible.  I probably smelled like Avon exploded down there.  The drive to the office was silent.  I thought I was going to puke...and I don't like puking.  When we walked in my mom filled out the paperwork and I sat there waiting for the other shoe to drop.  All of the women there were pregnant and they all looked at me like "oh you're here for the PILL, are you!?"  Or who knows, maybe they thought I was pregnant too but I felt like all eyes were on me.

Judging.

Every time the door opened and the nurse would call a name, I almost passed out.  My hearing would go fuzzy and my heart would thump out of my chest.  I think I pee'd 4x before they finally called me.  It felt like I waited forever for him to come in.  When he finally moseyed in, I got tunnel vision.  I don't know if it was because of the realization that the speculum was about to be a reality or the fact he was dressed like a human Easter egg in powder blue pants, a pink shirt and purple tie.  He did the breast exam and kneaded my boobs so hard he would've popped any masses in there anyway.  I wanted to scream "these aren't yeast rolls, buddy!  A little finesse if you please!"  He instructed me in his gruff voice to lay back and when he did the pelvic exam, he blurted out "well, you're obviously still a virgin.  You're pretty tight."

I.  DIE.

When he pulled out what appeared to be a 20 foot speculum to insert for the pap test, I blacked out for a second.  When he put it in, I apparently snapped shut like a bear trap and he was yelling at me to "stop fighting it!"  How's about I shove this up your ass and open it up and tell YOU to stop fighting it, pal!??!!  That ain't supposed to be there, okay?  Give a teen a chance to relax.  You didn't even buy me dinner first!  When he was finally done, he told me to get dressed and come to his office.  He gave me a lecture and told me how to use the pill and all I could think of was how squishy I felt and please just give me the damn script. When he finally gave me the prescription, I felt like Charlie with the Golden Ticket.

via
He told me it would take 10 days to take effect so 10 days later, with teen hormones flaring was our first interlude...on February 29th.  That's right, leave it to us to break our naughties in on a leap year.

Wow, I just SERIOUSLY over-shared.

What dates can you not kick out of your head no matter how hard you try?
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22 comments:

  1. It is one of those side effects of caring enough to remember certain dates even long after those people are out of our lives sometimes. I still remember a few dates that I wish I could forget but it's just one of those things.

    I can certainly understand why you'd want to forget that first gyne visit though. I know you've told the story to me before but it never ceases to amaze me that the guy was that much of a dunce.

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    1. Hmm, I never thought of it that way but yeah, you know how I care a little too much for my own good. :-)

      You'd better appreciate all I went through to keep us sans child! LOL But I must say that I do appreciate that you go with me every year. It's the least you can do. HA! I keed, I keed! (No I don't)

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  2. I'm very glad that my first visit wasn't so traumatic, I'm not sure I'd have ever gone back.

    I don't really have much in my head as to dates, I'm horrible about dates anyway, a couple old birthdays and that's about it. I tend to more remember where I was when I found out... or when... happened.

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    1. I'm glad too! It shouldn't be that bad. I only went to him one more time then switched to his wife (who is significantly younger) and I actually look forward to seeing her every year. Never thought I'd say that!

      I rarely remember exact dates when it comes to traumatic events but I remember where I was. Like I have no idea what day they found Bin Laden but I do remember I was at Barbers Q restaurant in Napa after a long, bad travel day with wine snobs high fiving. LOL

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  3. One of your top ten posts for sure!

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  4. Leap Day is a good day. We chose to have our daughter on Leap Day in 2000. A Millenium Baby to boot. Yep...it's a good day! ;)

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    1. So how do you do the birthday thing? The 28th for 3 years then the actual birthday on leap years?

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  5. Funniest Blog Ever! I love it!
    I'm 32, have had a kid, and still squirm every time I have an exam. I scoot up the table and my legs tense up, and hold my breath until it is over with. I have never been able to relax. It still amazes me that I was able to give birth!

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    1. Isn't it the worst? I mean thankfully I have a really good one now but yeah, does one ever get used to that contraption they use?! When I blacked out and came to he said "be thankful, if you were a mommy to be, I'd be using this one" and whipped out the 40 footer. Blackout resumed.

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  6. I generally don't remember dates, just events. However, I had my first miscarriage on St. Patrick's Day and my second one on Martin Luther King's birthday, so I am not likely to forget those dates. I also managed to have my gall bladder surgery on the 4th of July. Always celebrate holidays in style!

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    1. Aww, I'm so sorry for your losses and not the easiest when they fall on holidays. Ugh, you should've chosen a different date for the gallbladder surgery and at least have a non holiday medical issue. :-\

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  7. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at one of your posts. Thanks for the laugh!

    I remember all my ex crushes birthdays. It's so weird. Other than that, I can't recall any dates that jump out at me.

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    1. You are very welcome! A story like that sounds like fiction so it's almost too "good" to keep to myself.

      Isn't that weird how dates like that stick in there. I'd like to kick my crushes birthdays out of there to remember better stuff! :-)

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  8. This whole entry gave me a good chuckle! You really have a good way with words!!! :)

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  9. I had no idea you guys have been together for so long!

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  10. Thanks for sharing too much! That was hilarious, and I think most of us can relate to your feelings on that first gynie visit. How traumatic! How terrifying! How stressful! The things we do.....well let's just leave it at that.

    I've got a few dates in my memory bank I'd like to forget as well...but I'm afraid they're stuck in there forever. But one of the good ones I remember is May 10, 1969--which means we'll be celebrating the 45th anniversary of Du and my first date this year. I asked him last night if he wanted to do something special to celebrate. He remembers the day better than I do, and has sent me flowers numerous times over those 45 years. Not sure if we're going to make it to a 50th anniversary together, so I would really like to celebrate this one BIG. Maybe a trip to Colorado, which is where we went on our honeymoon. We need something fun and joyous to anticipate in our lives!

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    1. Yeah, that first time is never a great one. Colorado would be a fun trip and a nice second honeymoon!

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  11. I don't ever comment, but had to on this one - I am cry-laughing, this was AMAZING! "these aren't yeast rolls, buddy!" OMG, so so so funny, thanks for sharing this. Love your blog so much :)

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    1. Girl, get on in and comment! :-) Hope to see more of you and glad I could give ya a laugh!

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