Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Old Demons

This has been a doozy of a week thusfar.

Our road trip got cancelled due to my concert that I've been waiting for 20 years of my life being cancelled because of extreme illness. You ever want to cry so hard but you're just at such a loss for any kind of emotion you just kind of sit there like a manatee?

Then there was a death in the family of someone we're not close to but feel like we should go pay our respects. It's basically an anxiety attack waiting to happen. So what is the first thing that pops into my head?   "All I want is what I have coming to me, all I want is my fair share" and I want it in cupcakes.  The cupcakes I was supposed to be eating today.

Ghost of cupcakes past

Yeah I know, I'm bitching about not losing weight and then I'm going to indulge in 2 cupcakes mid week? Well it was my birthday concert and this bakery is a place we don't get to all the time so yeah, we both felt entitled. Then I feel like I'm being punished for planning to eat cupcakes mid week. Then I felt like maybe if I weighed in today, I would let that decide. If I haven't lost anything and my dragon isn't going to get slain anyway then screw it, let's go to a different place just because it was already a planned wreck. But if I was losing weight then it was a sign to not get them.

I mean seriously, it sucks how quickly you can go back to that line of thinking and how obsessive it can be. I don't need a pep talk on why I shouldn't do it and such, I know that. I just seriously can't believe that 200+ lbs later that this is still a struggle. I know it always will be.  Granted, it's rare and back in the day, all it would take is a hang nail to get me to order a pizza or polish off half a box of Swiss Cake Rolls so I guess I should look at it as 3-4x per year is pretty good in comparison to 3-4x a week. Those old demons will always be there...lurking...waiting...wanting you to screw up so they can prove how right they were about how weak you are. Some days you win, some days you lose but as long as there are more in the win columns, I've gotta believe that's worth something.

Are you fighting any old demons on your adventure to a better you?

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23 comments:

  1. Ah! I know how you feel. Lately I've been on this sugar kick like no other. I had slain this dragon and now hes coming back to life in zombie form. Bad enough to where i find myself opening the baking cabinet snacking on chocolate chips... and i wonder why im not making any progress! :(
    I feel ya!

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  2. demons to the left of me, demons to the right... I guess there should be a song or something.

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  3. I am right there with you too. I think they are gone sometimes, but they are only quite. They are always there saying awe come on you've earned this. blah, I have earned something far better then a cupcake.

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  4. That just stinks all the way around. There are many old demons that pop up unexpectedly along the way; all we can do is fight them the best we can and keep going. *hugs*

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  5. Sorry about the concert. I've had a few of those types of disappointments lately and they don't get any easier to handle without feeling like diving into some sweet treat. It does suck!

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  6. Oh yeah... demons will always be there I think. I'm so close to my goal, I'm fighting the last 2lbs... and yesterday I had a candy bar... gee.... demons.... yup!

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  7. I'm always always fighting those demons! And sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. Lately I have been having a honey crisp apple after work. I cut it up and (this is the bad part) dip it in the Cookie Butter jar. I don't measure out a reasonable serving of the Cookie Butter (one measly tablespoon i 90 calories! OUCH), and put it on the plate with the apple slices. NO, I just dip that apple slice right in the jar and put a big glob of that yummy delicious Cookie Butter on it. Then I bite off most of the apple (the end with the Cookie Butter), and give the piece that's left to my dog. She loves apples. If I would just eat the apple plain--I'd be okay. OLD DEMONS! Three years and 177 pounds later, and I'm still doing this to myself. I play those mind games too. Like I'm shoving some potato chips in a baggie for hubby's lunch. I want to stuff a few in my mouth so badly. And this is prior to 7 a.m.! I could eat potato chips 24/7! So I say to myself, "If I don't have this chip, I won't get fat again." Then I have a chip. Or two. But not the whole bag, like I would have done before. So that's progress, right? My binging is on 100-calorie portions of things now (well except for the damn Cookie Butter), instead of bags of cookies, chips, or candy.
    That fear of regaining is always with me. I fear it more than death I think. Why do I fear it? I have the power to conrol it myself. And yet it scares me so much to think of going back to that sad fat woman I used to be. I tell myself it's stupid to be scared when you are the one making the choices. It is never going to get easier is it? I used to think that maybe someday it would feel natural to eat this way and not indulge. I don't know if I'll ever get to that point, but maybe someday I won't feel so deprived. That would be a nice.

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    1. Cookie butter is dangerous stuff. I must measure it out, no exceptions. We'll try to slay these demons as best we can. Drop me an email if you need talked down. "Step AWAY from the cookie butter!" ;)

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  8. I'm sorry that your birthday plans have been blown apart and that you have a friend who's lost a loved one - and am glad to read about your struggles, since mine are similar. Congratulations for recognizing where you've been successful and thanks for reminding me to do the same. While we aren't perfect, and may never get perfect, it's important that we are making progress!

    BTW, you never said if you'd lost or not!

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    1. I weigh the same as I did on weigh in (Saturday) which means I could totally go either way. I could say "well I weigh the same so screw it!" but knowing my body the way I do, I also know from Wed-Sat morning is when my weight comes off. The Mr is also in the mood for cupcakes and that's a dangerous page to be on. So now I'm trying to fight him trying to comfort me with the lure of cupcakes. If I make out of this day not covering in frosting coma'd out in the corner it'll be a miracle.

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  9. At a moment like the one you're in, I'd just go ahead and throw a big fat tantrum. I'd curse and pout and do all the things little kids are allowed to indulge in. Of course, I'd have to do it in private (since it's rather embarrassing).

    As for the cupcakes? Maybe after you throw a tantrum (and then laugh at yourself for how silly but refreshing they are) you won't want it as much? (Hey, I'm trying out this "optimism" thing).

    For what it's worth, I feel your pain. But I bet you do better than I have lately (I had a run in with a bag of mini kit kat bars and I ate pretty much the whole bag, it was glutunous and gross but life goes on).

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  10. I always fight the demons. I would have a cupcake...not two, just one. Its my birthday damn it!!!!!!nlife is meant to be enjoyed. I wouldn't eat it as a punishment or avoidance but as a treat because, what's birthday without cake?knowing you, you're gonna burn it off anyway.

    When younloook forward to soemthng and then are dissaoointed, it can lead to all kinds of devilment. I would just control the amount and move on....

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  11. Thank you for your honesty. I am a long-time lurker, and I am sorry to hear your plans fell through. One of my old demons I'm fighting is that I'll eat unhealthy snacks and just expect my workout to take care of those extra calories...which might be OK once or twice but not all the time!

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    1. Thanks so much for commenting! Glad to "see" you! People say you can't out-exercise a bad diet...I want to punch those people. ;-)

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  12. Darn it, now I want a cupcake AND potato chips.

    I'm sorry your birthday plans blew up, too. Hope you can find something equally amazing to do instead. When is the big day, btw?

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  13. I think when I embarked on my lifestyle change, I went through a little "grieving" period after the initial excitement wore off. It was at the point where I realized this was always going to have unhealthy cravings and take the easier route. I just wanted a way to be able to change that. But I've just tried to accept that every day is a choice to be healthy, and I'm actively choosing that as best I can. I'm sorry you're having a rough week.

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  14. I'm in the "I weigh the same so scr** it" category. And sometimes even the "I'm losing go ahead and eat it" category. Thus I weigh the same today as I did four months ago. Though I can button my pants and couldn't a few months past, maybe it is redistributing. Demons, they are everywhere.

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  15. Oh, I live daily with my demons. In a twisted way, they are like my best friends, in that they are there no matter what. If I want a self-pity party, they're there. A hissy fit, they're ready for me. A celebration for having a good eating/exercise week...oh yes, they are all too willing to want to share in that and even give me suggestions. Pfft...I know in my heart of hearts I'll never shake them completely free. The past two weeks have been particularly bad with that and I feel like I'm one decision away from losing all control, given the stressful things going on. It's a teeter-totter thing that is so wearisome, but there all the same.

    By the way, given the Peanuts nut that I am, do I assume correctly that you were channeling Sally in reference to "All I want is what I have coming to me, all I want is my fair share"? That most certainly put a big grin on this mug of mine... =o)

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    1. I knew if anyone would get the reference, you would! ;o)

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  16. I am sorry to hear that your birthday concert fell through. I tend to get pouty and mad when that kind of thing happens and then feel entitled to eat whatever I want, cuz screw it! Two weeks ago, the hubs and I had to have some health screenings done for work. I left the place seething and near tears because the girl that weighed me rounded my weight up to the next pound. (it was xxx.6 lbs). I was livid. Rounding up a pound might not mean anything to her but to me its a whole pound! Then, she took my blood pressure and it was higher than its ever been (and I don't have high blood pressure). She asks, is that ok? I say no, its really high for me. She tells me its fine and goes on. Now, I know these are tiny things but it made me feel like everything I've worked for (44 lbs down) was for nothing. Silly, I know. But what did I do that weekend because I was feeling entitled? Eat whatever I want! Totally not the right attitude, I know. Anyway, sorry about the rant, I feel your pain. I appreciate your
    blog. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.

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  17. Just got back from helping a friend who had surgery so I'm playing catch up. Sorry about the b-day plans, though I did catch that on SP. Yes, the demons never go away, but they do get quieter and we can overcome them!!

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