Thursday, March 22, 2012
Lightening the emotional load
We have lost similarly and the 40 lbs difference there was between our heaviest weights is now down to about a 22 lb difference so you can see that we are similar in weight and therefore body type as well. (For the most part, I bawk at his "batwings" and whip out my pterodactyl wings or show my "womanly" hips.) But as he inches ever so close to not having an X in front of any size he wears in shirts and is moving into the 30's waist wise, which is considered "normal" by most standards, I get that little poke in my shoulder. "He's going to be normal before you are and you're going to hold him back from doing things he wants to do. He won't want to stop living this new life if your big butt is over the weight limit for kayaks, roller coasters and stuff!" I have voiced these fears to him and he assures me that he has never felt like I am holding him back and he will wait for me as long as it takes because it's not a victory for him if I'm not there to share it with him. I offered to take pics of him on a roller coaster or to go parasailing when he's able and I'll video it so he can watch it and remember how good it felt. He said it wouldn't feel like a victory without me next to him. That's lovely but only fuels that little voice that says "see, he has to wait for you to do these things." I desperately want to kayak this year but I don't want to get a "special" kayak to do it. I don't want to have to buy some uber kayak when we really have nowhere to put them and most rentals are 250 lbs weight limit. I'm a good 40+ away from that. He's about 25 lbs or less away.
I suppose this is all still more baggage from the divorce as well as self imposed torture. I am trying very hard not to think that way because the last thing I want is to have a self fulfilling prophecy on my hands. He knows my struggle with these thoughts and I'm not the only one bringing childhood issues into the relationship. This past weekend was what many would refer to as a "rough patch" in a marriage. A long, stewing, important issue we'd put off until it came to a head and then exploded into something that could've been disastrous. We are recovering from it but more to the point, we TALKED about it. Long talks, tears, plans, implementation and the promise to not just try but to do. We tend to end our very few and far between blowups with a good long talk and then hearing it came down to "assumptions and miscommunication." I'm hoping this particular issue has finally taught us that when we're not happy with an aspect of our marriage, ignoring it, assuming things and more importantly not communicating about it regardless of whether we think it will hurt the other person's feelings will lead to the same path I have been running from all of my life. After 20 years together I do not want to end up like my parents. I talk about my feelings and he bottles his. I'm hoping this weekend has shown us nothing good comes from bottling (him) or assuming (me). I always prided us on our communication but the problem comes when it isn't on the things that truly matter then we're missing the point and a wonderful marriage isn't reaching its full potential.
I want us to be happy in every aspect of our lives. I want to move forward from the baggage of a broken home for communication and weight reasons even though I know a part of it will always be there. I want to get out from under his baggage of needing to sweep things under the rug as his family always did. As we lose this weight I want to make sure that we're growing together as a stronger, more unified team that doesn't take what it means to be happy and make others happy for granted. I know we can do that...we are doing that. I know my issues will always be there but when it comes down to it, they weren't MY issues...they were my parents issues and I got caught in the crossfire and picked up the suitcase to carry with me. I can't promise that I'm putting down the suitcase but I'm exchanging it for backpack with the hopes that one day I will exchange it for a change purse and eventually throw it away.
These things were incredibly personal to me but I felt it necessary to share them. I needed to show you that those whom you may look to as a good example for a marriage (what I've been told, I'm not arrogant enough to say that on my own) doesn't come without its challenges from time to time. That marriage IS work and that the problems that you have need to be traced. You need to look within to see if there is something you're bringing to your relationships, your everyday life or your work that weighs you down but doesn't need to or at the very least how can you lighten the load?
How can you lighten your emotional load?
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Labels: Deep Thoughts