Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Adjusting to being "normal" fat


The pic above is a bit of a misrepresentation.  Add another 47 lbs to the "before" picture.  I was just coming out of the few 5x shirts I'd crept into which would've translated to a 34 I think.  The pants were 4x but my largest pant purchase were elastic 38 jeans.  Honestly those were always too big for me but the gut was cut weird so in order for me to sit without discomfort I had to go up.  I think I only had one more size up to go before I was at the biggest size a catalog would offer and I knew that was a bad, bad thing.  I think that played a little part in me finally getting my act together.  You know, a gal's gotta have clothes, even if horribly unfashionable. 

Fast forward to 171 lbs lost and I'm able to squeeze into a 22/24 top and mostly 26 jeans though the ones in the pic are "broken in" 24's and I can wear 22/24 knit pants/capri's.  We don't own full length mirrors so it's still a surprise to walk by a full length mirror and catch a glimpse of myself.  I still expect that 494 lb girl to be staring back at me.  The size I am now is the size I was for most of my life before I spiraled out of control.  I was comfortable and able to do most things.  Of course I'm now re-appreciating being able to do those things.  Little things mean the most like not being self conscious when I'm in public or being able to shop in a plus sized store instead of knowing a catalog is my only option and hoping things fit.  I know despite being in this comfortable place, I can't get complacent and I have no intention of doing that.  But it's really weird getting used to this "normal" fat.  I'm looking more like any other fat person walking the street; not the side show freak kind of fat but just fat.  The kind of gal who look like she needs to lose a good bit.  Along with this new normal comes getting treated like I matter.  Shopping in furniture stores...the sales people treat us like we could actually afford to buy something in their store.  What weight has to do with being able to afford something is beyond me but apparently *really* fat people are poor in sales people's eyes.  There were times I relished in being able to slide in under the radar and not be taken seriously and other times I was highly resentful and on the way out the door I would sarcastically yell back "thanks for ignoring us!  $5000 sale walking out the door!" 

So this is a weird place for a gal like me to be.  The eyes and the mind don't sync up so you don't see what you actually look like.  When my hubby took that current pic up there, I've spent a lot of time staring at it asking who that is.  That is not who I see when I look in the mirror and I know that it will take a lot of time to adjust to that.  I just think of what I'll look like in another 50 lbs and how many more opportunities will continue to open up and I get excited and anxious to get there.  I get very frustrated with this body still.  It's nowhere near where I want to be and is certainly nothing I'm settling for.  But it is nice to be back in familiar territory, even if I'm not gonna be here long.
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12 comments:

  1. That's right, you won't be there long! I find that so interesting that people treated you differently because of your weight. I don't know how they could do that but how good does it feel to not have to deal with that anymore? You deserve only really good things and its sad that someone would over look you because of that. You are such a wonderful person and it's their loss really. Not that you didn't know that but I thought I would remind you of that :)

    Love the picture. It has to be so nice to see them side by side and see how much progress you have made. It truly is amazing. You are truly amazing and don't you ever for get that. You hear me young lady :)

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  2. It's hard when you're getting smaller physically but not so much mentally. It takes a while for the mind to catch up. You look great and you're not even done, can you imagine what you'll look like at the finish line?

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  3. I can appreciate this blog. I've had it both ways. When I was at my heaviest (378...at least that's the highest I know of before I stopped looking), I would look in the mirror and not see myself as THAT heavy. But then I'd catch myself in a reflection or a store mirror, or a picture, and BAM! There is was. On the flip side, losing weight still has me seeing something that isn't accurate. I notice it mostly in my face more than anywhere else. I still feel like I should look smaller than I do for the amount of weight I've lost and my clothes size should be smaller by far, but it's not the case for either thing. The head doesn't always match the heart and that's where I'm am right now. Re-adjusting the lens so to speak.

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  4. Keep looking at those pictures and get your mind to catch up! You are amazing. I am glad things are finally moving along for you again.

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  5. "not the side show freak kind of fat but just fat"

    This is my favorite line. I know you weren't trying to be funny, but it startled me and I snickered.

    I think we all have "magic mirror moments". My mirrors at home are well trained to show me only what I want to see, but other mirrors have a severe lack of training and show me the truth. I don't like those other mirrors very much. Don't like photos very much either for that matter.

    You, however, look great!

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  6. "Shopping in furniture stores...the sales people treat us like we could actually afford to buy something in their store. What weight has to do with being able to afford something is beyond me but apparently *really* fat people are poor in sales people's eyes. "

    You have mentioned this before too and not saying this is correct but I can see the relation. Being severely overweight is generally seen as having lost control over your life. People who lose control in one area of life don't usually do very well in others; financials included. Again, doesn't justify their assumption, but explains it.

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  7. While I can't say I know exactly what you feel like....I do know what my own familiar territory feels like. I've been stuck here for quite sometime. I feel comfortable and I look like lots of other woman around me. I've lost focus of what my real goal is.

    Thanks for this blog. I'm going to really dig deep and figure this out for myself. I think I'll start with that vision board I've been saying I was going to do for the past 3 years. :)

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  8. How awesome for you. I just read a bunch of blogs back to back and so glad for you that the weight loss is back on. I am sure that you will get used to being this size again.

    As an aside,I am so glad that you have this site. I had to leave SP due to some stuff both there and in my own life but glad there is a way to follow your journey here. Heavy irony, leave SP and I start going to the gym and watching what I was eating.

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  9. Honestly, when I saw the new photo I was startled by it...probably like you were...because I have been seeing the older photos for awhile and it was like 'holy chit woman, what happened to you?' In the most exciting kind of way. I think it does take time for the inner eye to see differently. Sometimes I am surprised by what I see and other times I can see the 'fatter' me with no problem at all. Our fat might be ON our body but it's worked its way inside our minds, too. You look wonderful! I know you've been living 'more normal fat' for awhile now, it just took some extra time for your vision of yourself to catch up.
    BTW...we had your 'fried potatoes' tonight for dinner and they were totally ftw! Loved it. Thanks.

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  10. Thanks so much guys! I guess instead of beer goggles, I'm wearing "fat goggles!" I know many people who lose goodly amounts of weight go through this so I know I'm in good company.

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  11. I've said it already - but you look FANTASTIC!!! Yep - don't get too comfy here...you are well on your way to the next 50! :-)

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  12. You are doing Fantastic!! I know what you mean when you said "The size I am now is the size I was for most of my life before I spiraled out of control." I too am where I've been most of my adult life now before I let my weight get out of hand.

    "The eyes and the mind don't sync up so you don't see what you actually look like. When my hubby took that current pic up there, I've spent a lot of time staring at it asking who that is. That is not who I see when I look in the mirror and I know that it will take a lot of time to adjust to that." I too still see myself as the really fat girl. I hope that my eyes and mind will adjust over time. I too get very frustrated with my body still. My body is nowhere where I want it to be either. You are doing so great and the fact that you've lost so much weight without a quick fix is AWESOME!! I know you will not settle for you body the way it is now like I won't mine. I know that you will not be her for long at all!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

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